I broke even!

A few days ago, I was leaving my parents house to head back to my semi-permanent residence in boulder (I hardly felt safe after the spider incident). My phone was dead, but I didn't really feel the urge to charge it beforehand. I told my parents I would text them when I got to boulder, hugged them, and set out on what proved to be an unusually long journey.

I was going through open country about 10 miles outside of castle rock (a wild, barren stretch of land inhabited only by cows and hill-folk) when "Living on a Prayer" came on the radio. I naturally had no choice but to sing along at my maximum possible volume, apparently pissing my car off to the point where it was forced to take drastic measures to shut me up. Apparently I wasn't catching its subtle signals (the flashing "Check Engine" Light, weird-ass vibrating sound and general aura of being haunted) So it decided to show me the full extent of its wrath by blowing out it own front tire. Needless to say I was quite offended. It could have just ASKED me to quiet down, geez.

In any case, I pulled over to the shoulder, and sure enough, my tire was blown out. Without hesitation, I grabbed my phone to call my dad for help. Oh yeah, its got a dead battery. "Well shitty shitty shitballs," I thought to myself, "wtf do I do now?" I was in the middle of nowhere! walking to the nearest building would take at least 45 minutes if not more.

Plus, it was around 11:00 at night, and since we are in colorado, nothing stays open past 8:00 on a weeknight anyway. After spending 5 minutes softly weeping in the glow of my hazard flashers, I decided that I'd best do something about my predicament. I grabbed the cars manual (thank the Gods it was where it was supposed to be!) and taught myself, on the spot, how to change a tire. To make a long story short (too late, right?) it took me about 50 minutes to get the spare tire on, but I did it!

I'm kick-ass, just so you all know. Like, really. I'm kinda a big deal.

Then just this morning, I reduced my kick-assery by at LEAST 50 points by washing and drying my cell phone. It seems that electronics don't like it when you fill them with water and then rapidly change their temperature while bouncing them about. Its totally fried.

A harrowing tale of survival

Moments ago, As I sat in my parents basement absentmindedly watching anime, I reached for a slice of cold pizza. Little did I know that a mother-having ninja spider would drop down out of the shadows, bouncing off my outstretched hand before coming to rest atop my delicious food.

Surely some lost descendant of Ungoliant had climbed straight out of the old tales, this thing was closer in size to a dinner plate than a dime. Demon-esque in the obvious malice it held for me and all living things, I knew for a certainty that it would devour my soul without hesitation given half the chance.

It was clear the bastard was out for blood, I had to act quickly or risk my immortal souls' destruction. With steeled resolve, I slammed my hand down on his revolting head with all the gusto of an excited 3 year old happily squeezing his first pet kitten.

A horrific monster attacked me, I defended myself with honor and courage.

OR

A spider landed on my hand. I freaked out and smashed it into my pizza. Now my pizza is full of dead spider. Total. Balls.

Take your pick. Either way I'm a hero.