So here I am, sitting at DIA a full 6 hours before my flight leaves. I'm on my way to Texas, land of longhorn cows and the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (and the Dallas Cowboys as well, but who cares?) and, most importantly, my girlfriend the Reagsauce! The last time I was in Texas, the only thing that distinguished it from CO or CA was a slight increase in the number of people wearing obnoxious hats, and I didn't get to see a single cow OR cow-girl.
This time around, I've been promised exotic wonders including (but not limited to): armadillos, buzzards, People who say "ya'll" all the time, And food consisting primarily of beef, with deepfried sticks of butter available upon request. If even HALF of these things turn out to be more than wild exaggeration (a vice I know all too well...), I'll consider the trip a complete success. I've got to keep myself somewhat grounded in reality though... deep down in my heart of hearts, I know that armadillos are only make-believe, like dragons and my 401k.
There is a woman pacing back and forth in front of me in a Detroit Red Wings jersey. Ignoring the fact that she is a hockey fan, she is well inside my "comfort bubble", and keeps throwing me sidelong glances like she is about to ask me for money. Her sins are already all-but damning, but she is sealing her fate by coughing almost constantly, not even pretending to cover her mouth or do the courtesy "cough into the shoulder" thing that does jack-shite but makes people feel better.
I don't even have the option of fleeing to safety, because I'm chained to the wall by my laptop cord! The damn thing fries batteries faster than a frycook fries fries; even though I've replaced the battery 3 times, the charge goes from 100% to empty the instant I unplug it. This lady is desperate to infect anyone she can (misery loves company, and shes a HOCKEY fan) and like a predator seeking the easiest prey, she picked me out from all the way across the terminal. After all, if all the people here are a herd of wildebeast, I'm the sickly old one lagging behind and basically screaming "hey eat me plz kthxbai". How can I possibly keep up with the pack when they all have sleek speedy Ipads and I'm dragging an Inspiron E-ball-and-chain-05 after me? I'm obviously F***ed.
In this case, as in many others, I am forced to resist the urge to verbally attack my fellow man. I have trouble understanding how so many people don't exercise common courtesy. Another group of people that constantly infuriate me are those that can't understand extremely simple directions/instructions... weak segway I know... but... Here is a direct example, no embellishment whatsoever:
Moron Customer - Where is the bathroom?
me - *smile* Its at the end of aisle 11
MC - where is that?
me - um... its after aisle 10, and before aisle 12
MC - I know how to count, but where is aisle 10?
me - *frown*... *sigh*... *point*
This exchange occurs every two or three days:
(while checking out)
Idiot Customer - Um what am I supposed to do now?
me - What does the pad say
IC - It says "slide payment card"
me - Huh. I really don't know. There seems to be no solution to this problem, but maybe you could try SLIDING THE PAYMENT CARD
A few days ago I was working at self check-out, when a guy complained that the machine took 2 of his quarters, but wouldn't take the third one. Being the kick-ass employee I am I go over to assist, and discovered the problem; The third quarter wouldn't go in, because the first two had were lodged in the gears of the BILL ACCEPTOR, and were now permanently stuck in the thing. I was about to go balls to the wall nutso on the guy, but the only reason this had happened was because I was too busy writing out my grocery list on the back of a coupon to pay attention to our 10,000 dollar equipment... oops... mah bad...
I've talked about Game of Thrones several times in the past, and now that the HBO series is out and running I feel the need to talk about it as well. First thing I noticed, they bumped the ages up on a few characters, namely the ones that end up getting naked and doing the horizontal bop by books 2-3. At first I was really upset, but when I think about it, I understand WHY they chose to do this. For starters, adult women are waaaaay smexier than child-folk, and, as a very minor secondary notion, its slightly illegal to have a 13 year old girl having the sex on national tv (thats too risqué, even for HBO). The series seems to be doing a pretty good job so far, check it out if your'e over 18 and find yourself in need of something new to watch.
I could really use something new to watch RIGHT NOW, as I've got 5 1/2 more hours till my flight... oh, heres something cute and AWESOME
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Attention Safeway shoppers...
So the lakers lost. Really badly. I've always thought that Pau Gasol constantly looks as though he about to burst into tears, but in the post game interview he looked downright sullen. A friend of mine says "Gasol needs a personal hugger to hug him every 10 minutes, maybe then he will cheer up" and I have to agree. Honestly though, if anyone should be upset, its ME. I know for a fact that the lakers success (or lack thereof) is more important to me than to anyone else. Gasol needs to suck it up.
It appears Frank was quite unhappy with my description of his flaws in my last post. He was so pissed off, in fact, that he decided to go on strike and just NOT start when I told him to.
This sets a very dangerous precedent. I FINALLY acquiesce and give my stupid car a name, and it instantly starts showing sentience. If I name my microwave, will it refuse to cook my pizza unless I first coax it with wine and song? This is simply inexcusable. Moral of the story; Naming your shit brings us one step closer to skynet. Don't do it!
I've been doing a lot of checking at Safeway lately, and notice that some people buy some really strange combinations of things...
Fruit loops and Chocolate milk.
A romance novel and a cucumber.
Cigarettes, beer, and a pregnancy test.
When it comes to buying weird shit, nobody comes close to beating the stoners; they shuffle in in groups of 2 or 3 after midnight to buy stuff like mousetraps and sticks of butter. Theres also the occasional 14 year old on a dare buying tampons (or some other unmentionable abomination), constantly snickering and looking over his shoulder.
Too much editing! If i re-write this thing one more time, It will never get posted. Me constantly re-writing these things until they are 2 weeks late might actually be a decent topic at some point...
Parting shot: Finished watching Fruits Basket a few days ago, at the behest of a wise friend of mine. The first 17-18 episodes are full of boys being mistaken for girls (and apparently this proves how attractive they are...? I'll never understand japan) and some admittedly hilarious jokes. Then suddenly the focus shifts from lighthearted to dark as abruptly as the killer rabbit of Caerbannog (-10 points if you dont know the reference). I can't go into more detail without giving it away, but its on Hulu for free, check it out.
It appears Frank was quite unhappy with my description of his flaws in my last post. He was so pissed off, in fact, that he decided to go on strike and just NOT start when I told him to.
This sets a very dangerous precedent. I FINALLY acquiesce and give my stupid car a name, and it instantly starts showing sentience. If I name my microwave, will it refuse to cook my pizza unless I first coax it with wine and song? This is simply inexcusable. Moral of the story; Naming your shit brings us one step closer to skynet. Don't do it!
I've been doing a lot of checking at Safeway lately, and notice that some people buy some really strange combinations of things...
Fruit loops and Chocolate milk.
A romance novel and a cucumber.
Cigarettes, beer, and a pregnancy test.
When it comes to buying weird shit, nobody comes close to beating the stoners; they shuffle in in groups of 2 or 3 after midnight to buy stuff like mousetraps and sticks of butter. Theres also the occasional 14 year old on a dare buying tampons (or some other unmentionable abomination), constantly snickering and looking over his shoulder.
Too much editing! If i re-write this thing one more time, It will never get posted. Me constantly re-writing these things until they are 2 weeks late might actually be a decent topic at some point...
Parting shot: Finished watching Fruits Basket a few days ago, at the behest of a wise friend of mine. The first 17-18 episodes are full of boys being mistaken for girls (and apparently this proves how attractive they are...? I'll never understand japan) and some admittedly hilarious jokes. Then suddenly the focus shifts from lighthearted to dark as abruptly as the killer rabbit of Caerbannog (-10 points if you dont know the reference). I can't go into more detail without giving it away, but its on Hulu for free, check it out.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Foodstuffs!
In response to my last blog, I received a particularly scathing message from a friend of mine, informing me in no uncertain terms that SOME cars are worthy of being named, and that my car was henceforth to be referred to as Frank the car.
Frank has seen better days, to put it bluntly. The clicker (locking-unlocking McJigger) split in half irreparably well over 2 years ago, and the drivers-side door is the only one that opens using the key. Electronically, Frank is a mess; The right turn signal is as reliable as a hot air balloon made of toilet paper, the windshield wipers change speeds faster than a 5 year old with ADD, and turning on the heat or air kills the engine like I dropped an anchor.
Every once in a while, I forget that I hate trying new foods, and instead of getting delicious buffalo style chicken strips, I pick out something different. I was in one of these dangerous and unfortunate moods the other day while working at safeway, and instead of getting my regular snack of a banana, a doughnut and a cup of yogurt, I got... a BROWN banana, a doughnut and a cup of yogurt.
Not only are brown bananas smaller and more expensive than their yellow-peeled cousins, the taste and texture is akin to coffee grounds mixed with dirt. In any case, I learned my lesson: from here on out its chicken slathered in hot sauce and pizza of all varieties.
Did you know that buffalo are officially twice as bad-ass as lions? the official numbers aren't in yet, but the proof is here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU8DDYz68kM
It starts a little slow, but picks up at 2 min. Then again at 3:40. then again at 5:40.
Can you think of any other creature (save for the noble sloth of course) that could get mauled by lions, then became the rope in a game of tug-of-war with a crocodile, and just WALK THE F*** away?!?! Bad. Ass. Mudder.
Badbass baby buffalos aside, this next critter wins the "jaw droppingly awesomesauce award"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9EidKdpQAY
Until next time!
Frank has seen better days, to put it bluntly. The clicker (locking-unlocking McJigger) split in half irreparably well over 2 years ago, and the drivers-side door is the only one that opens using the key. Electronically, Frank is a mess; The right turn signal is as reliable as a hot air balloon made of toilet paper, the windshield wipers change speeds faster than a 5 year old with ADD, and turning on the heat or air kills the engine like I dropped an anchor.
Every once in a while, I forget that I hate trying new foods, and instead of getting delicious buffalo style chicken strips, I pick out something different. I was in one of these dangerous and unfortunate moods the other day while working at safeway, and instead of getting my regular snack of a banana, a doughnut and a cup of yogurt, I got... a BROWN banana, a doughnut and a cup of yogurt.
Not only are brown bananas smaller and more expensive than their yellow-peeled cousins, the taste and texture is akin to coffee grounds mixed with dirt. In any case, I learned my lesson: from here on out its chicken slathered in hot sauce and pizza of all varieties.
Did you know that buffalo are officially twice as bad-ass as lions? the official numbers aren't in yet, but the proof is here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU8DDYz68kM
It starts a little slow, but picks up at 2 min. Then again at 3:40. then again at 5:40.
Can you think of any other creature (save for the noble sloth of course) that could get mauled by lions, then became the rope in a game of tug-of-war with a crocodile, and just WALK THE F*** away?!?! Bad. Ass. Mudder.
Badbass baby buffalos aside, this next critter wins the "jaw droppingly awesomesauce award"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9EidKdpQAY
Until next time!
Namae wa?
What is the motivation behind naming things that should not be named? I'm not talking harry-potter he-who-must-not-be-named crap here either. I'd rather not talk about the disgusting habit of girls naming their lady-bits, and guys naming their junk, other to mention that it is revolting and abominable.
(quick side note, on the recommendation of a (supposedly) wise friend of mine, I am watching the anime "Fruits Basket" while I write this. I've come to the conclusion that the larger a characters eyes, the more attractive the character is supposed to be. For ex; the main characters eyes take up well over 60% of her face. she must be a stone cold fox)
I can understand why boats/ships need names. I can even understand why it is completely necessary to name weapons. All the important weapons have names, "Glamdring", "Biggoron Sword", "Exaclibur" and so on. If Arthur had just received "sword" from the lady of the lake... well, it just makes for a lame story.
Cars, however, do NOT need to be named. I know quite a few people who name their vehicles, and it just makes NO sense! FAR less sense than naming your nasty bits, because at least those are with you for life (hopefully). Why go to all the trouble of naming something only to have it break down on you and have to be retired? (and don't mention pets please, thats like comparing apples and oranges, only the oranges are made of thumbtacs)
Speaking of breaking down... my car has seen better days. More on this later. And on the zoo, I 'spose.
(quick side note, on the recommendation of a (supposedly) wise friend of mine, I am watching the anime "Fruits Basket" while I write this. I've come to the conclusion that the larger a characters eyes, the more attractive the character is supposed to be. For ex; the main characters eyes take up well over 60% of her face. she must be a stone cold fox)
I can understand why boats/ships need names. I can even understand why it is completely necessary to name weapons. All the important weapons have names, "Glamdring", "Biggoron Sword", "Exaclibur" and so on. If Arthur had just received "sword" from the lady of the lake... well, it just makes for a lame story.
Cars, however, do NOT need to be named. I know quite a few people who name their vehicles, and it just makes NO sense! FAR less sense than naming your nasty bits, because at least those are with you for life (hopefully). Why go to all the trouble of naming something only to have it break down on you and have to be retired? (and don't mention pets please, thats like comparing apples and oranges, only the oranges are made of thumbtacs)
Speaking of breaking down... my car has seen better days. More on this later. And on the zoo, I 'spose.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Stuff, part deux
I've worked at safeway for close to 9 months now, and I've spent a significant amount of that time working at customer service. This glorious profession has given me the opportunity to observe mankind at its very best. Doing returns, in particular, is very rewarding.
A lady comes in to return an empty jar of juice, and an empty container of raspberries
lady - This juice tasted bad, and the berries were moldy. I want my money back.
me - I'm sorry, I can't give refunds on empty containers.
lady - but it was terrible
me - Well why did you eat 2 pounds of moldy berries?
lady - uh...
me - Did you just bring your trash in for a refund?
lady - This is ridiculous! I don't have to listen to this! (leaves)
I am not particularly squeamish, nor easily grossed out. My past blogs detailing the stuff I call "food", and CHOOSE to put inside my mouth should attest to this.
A man in a raiders jacket (warning flag!) came in to get a pack of cigarettes. He had a big mustache with no beard (another dead giveaway for trouble), and a giant glob of snot dangling off the hairs on his upper lip. every time he talked, it came precariously close to falling onto the counter. Finally, he wiped his face with the back of his hand, and transported the glob onto his knuckles.
At this point, the man looked at the back of his hand to inspect the flem, shrugged, and proceeded to use the keypad to swipe his card. I threw up just a little bit in my mouth, and choked it down (no joke!) "Excuse me sir, would you like a tissue?" "No".
A while ago I went to the Zoo with some dear friends of mine. About 8 of every 10 Zoo-goers are small children, and 3 out of every 10 Zoo-goers are the parents of small children. Now, going to the zoo as a child-less adult, in a group of other child-less adults, is like getting into a moonbounce as a fully grown man. Its a complete blast, and the kids don't mind, but the "responsible" adults look at you like you're on crack.
More on the Zoo later. I is OUT!
A lady comes in to return an empty jar of juice, and an empty container of raspberries
lady - This juice tasted bad, and the berries were moldy. I want my money back.
me - I'm sorry, I can't give refunds on empty containers.
lady - but it was terrible
me - Well why did you eat 2 pounds of moldy berries?
lady - uh...
me - Did you just bring your trash in for a refund?
lady - This is ridiculous! I don't have to listen to this! (leaves)
I am not particularly squeamish, nor easily grossed out. My past blogs detailing the stuff I call "food", and CHOOSE to put inside my mouth should attest to this.
A man in a raiders jacket (warning flag!) came in to get a pack of cigarettes. He had a big mustache with no beard (another dead giveaway for trouble), and a giant glob of snot dangling off the hairs on his upper lip. every time he talked, it came precariously close to falling onto the counter. Finally, he wiped his face with the back of his hand, and transported the glob onto his knuckles.
At this point, the man looked at the back of his hand to inspect the flem, shrugged, and proceeded to use the keypad to swipe his card. I threw up just a little bit in my mouth, and choked it down (no joke!) "Excuse me sir, would you like a tissue?" "No".
A while ago I went to the Zoo with some dear friends of mine. About 8 of every 10 Zoo-goers are small children, and 3 out of every 10 Zoo-goers are the parents of small children. Now, going to the zoo as a child-less adult, in a group of other child-less adults, is like getting into a moonbounce as a fully grown man. Its a complete blast, and the kids don't mind, but the "responsible" adults look at you like you're on crack.
More on the Zoo later. I is OUT!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Blaaaahg post
I started re-reading "A Game of Thrones" for the umpteenth* time today, and I decided to check on progress of "A Dance with Dragons" (Coming July 2005!). Obviously its no where near complete, but I did happen to look into the HBO series thats coming out next year, and it looks very promising. Sean Bean (Boromir from Lord of the Rings) is cast as Eddard Stark! Lucky him, he gets to revise his role as "Guy who dies right away!" In related news, I discovered through arduous and painstaking research that Mr. Bean is being type cast as the fantasy genre's version of a red shirt.
Lena Headey from the confusing-but-entertaining Terminator series is playing Cersei, which is nice until I realize that Summer Glau isn't playing anyone at all, and a Nerd-gasm is totally out of the question. How can I get excited for a show with NO Firefly cast involvement?
I have a bizarre loyalty to the cast members of LotR and Firefly. I watched the entire terminator series just for River, "V" just for Anara, and most of "Castle" For Captain Mal. When I learned that Nathon Fillon, Alan Tudyk and Adam Baldwin were doing voices in a video game, I preordered it with no hesitation.
I sat all the way through the god-awful movie "Chupacabra Terror" because it had John Ryhs Davies (Gimli), And I went to see The Chronicles of Riddick - IN THEATERS - because Karl Urban was in it, and Eomer was an ancillary character at best.
For the love of sweet cupping cakes, Andy Serkis is in ONE SCENE in lotr, and I'm buying the upcoming game "Enslaved, Odyssey to the West", because he is doing one of the voices in it.
Is this a problem? Some kind of complex? or just my super intense nerdiness finding other outlets because of my stubborn refusal to cosplay?
* Umpteenth is a real word! wtf!
Lena Headey from the confusing-but-entertaining Terminator series is playing Cersei, which is nice until I realize that Summer Glau isn't playing anyone at all, and a Nerd-gasm is totally out of the question. How can I get excited for a show with NO Firefly cast involvement?
I have a bizarre loyalty to the cast members of LotR and Firefly. I watched the entire terminator series just for River, "V" just for Anara, and most of "Castle" For Captain Mal. When I learned that Nathon Fillon, Alan Tudyk and Adam Baldwin were doing voices in a video game, I preordered it with no hesitation.
I sat all the way through the god-awful movie "Chupacabra Terror" because it had John Ryhs Davies (Gimli), And I went to see The Chronicles of Riddick - IN THEATERS - because Karl Urban was in it, and Eomer was an ancillary character at best.
For the love of sweet cupping cakes, Andy Serkis is in ONE SCENE in lotr, and I'm buying the upcoming game "Enslaved, Odyssey to the West", because he is doing one of the voices in it.
Is this a problem? Some kind of complex? or just my super intense nerdiness finding other outlets because of my stubborn refusal to cosplay?
* Umpteenth is a real word! wtf!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
quickie
Today I got my first call from a potential employer in roughly 4.2 millennia, give or take a few decades. Whole foods! huzzah! The interview went great, the guy actually had me meet the next higher-up manager and showed me around a little. I need this job like BP needs better public relations (would have been nice a few months ago, but even more important now!) so fingers crossed.
Last easter I got a sandwich bag filled with jelly beans, and by eating only one piece a day I've managed to make it last until the present day. I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that if you eat just one jelly bean, the gods replace the sugar with vitamins so its basically like munching on cauliflower, but without the agony.
Speaking of agony, I think I am developing athletes foot. The top of my right big toe burns like the dickens, but there is no visible rash. My secondary notion is that diminutive fairy-folk (likely envious of my large feet) are sneaking into my room at night and attacking my extremities with miniature mallets.
Last easter I got a sandwich bag filled with jelly beans, and by eating only one piece a day I've managed to make it last until the present day. I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that if you eat just one jelly bean, the gods replace the sugar with vitamins so its basically like munching on cauliflower, but without the agony.
Speaking of agony, I think I am developing athletes foot. The top of my right big toe burns like the dickens, but there is no visible rash. My secondary notion is that diminutive fairy-folk (likely envious of my large feet) are sneaking into my room at night and attacking my extremities with miniature mallets.
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