DIA Timekiller

So here I am, sitting at DIA a full 6 hours before my flight leaves. I'm on my way to Texas, land of longhorn cows and the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (and the Dallas Cowboys as well, but who cares?) and, most importantly, my girlfriend the Reagsauce! The last time I was in Texas, the only thing that distinguished it from CO or CA was a slight increase in the number of people wearing obnoxious hats, and I didn't get to see a single cow OR cow-girl.

This time around, I've been promised exotic wonders including (but not limited to): armadillos, buzzards, People who say "ya'll" all the time, And food consisting primarily of beef, with deepfried sticks of butter available upon request. If even HALF of these things turn out to be more than wild exaggeration (a vice I know all too well...), I'll consider the trip a complete success. I've got to keep myself somewhat grounded in reality though... deep down in my heart of hearts, I know that armadillos are only make-believe, like dragons and my 401k.

There is a woman pacing back and forth in front of me in a Detroit Red Wings jersey. Ignoring the fact that she is a hockey fan, she is well inside my "comfort bubble", and keeps throwing me sidelong glances like she is about to ask me for money. Her sins are already all-but damning, but she is sealing her fate by coughing almost constantly, not even pretending to cover her mouth or do the courtesy "cough into the shoulder" thing that does jack-shite but makes people feel better.

I don't even have the option of fleeing to safety, because I'm chained to the wall by my laptop cord! The damn thing fries batteries faster than a frycook fries fries; even though I've replaced the battery 3 times, the charge goes from 100% to empty the instant I unplug it. This lady is desperate to infect anyone she can (misery loves company, and shes a HOCKEY fan) and like a predator seeking the easiest prey, she picked me out from all the way across the terminal. After all, if all the people here are a herd of wildebeast, I'm the sickly old one lagging behind and basically screaming "hey eat me plz kthxbai". How can I possibly keep up with the pack when they all have sleek speedy Ipads and I'm dragging an Inspiron E-ball-and-chain-05 after me? I'm obviously F***ed.

In this case, as in many others, I am forced to resist the urge to verbally attack my fellow man. I have trouble understanding how so many people don't exercise common courtesy. Another group of people that constantly infuriate me are those that can't understand extremely simple directions/instructions... weak segway I know... but... Here is a direct example, no embellishment whatsoever:

Moron Customer - Where is the bathroom?
me - *smile* Its at the end of aisle 11
MC - where is that?
me - um... its after aisle 10, and before aisle 12
MC - I know how to count, but where is aisle 10?
me - *frown*... *sigh*... *point*

This exchange occurs every two or three days:

(while checking out)
Idiot Customer - Um what am I supposed to do now?
me - What does the pad say
IC - It says "slide payment card"
me - Huh. I really don't know. There seems to be no solution to this problem, but maybe you could try SLIDING THE PAYMENT CARD

A few days ago I was working at self check-out, when a guy complained that the machine took 2 of his quarters, but wouldn't take the third one. Being the kick-ass employee I am I go over to assist, and discovered the problem; The third quarter wouldn't go in, because the first two had were lodged in the gears of the BILL ACCEPTOR, and were now permanently stuck in the thing. I was about to go balls to the wall nutso on the guy, but the only reason this had happened was because I was too busy writing out my grocery list on the back of a coupon to pay attention to our 10,000 dollar equipment... oops... mah bad...

I've talked about Game of Thrones several times in the past, and now that the HBO series is out and running I feel the need to talk about it as well. First thing I noticed, they bumped the ages up on a few characters, namely the ones that end up getting naked and doing the horizontal bop by books 2-3. At first I was really upset, but when I think about it, I understand WHY they chose to do this. For starters, adult women are waaaaay smexier than child-folk, and, as a very minor secondary notion, its slightly illegal to have a 13 year old girl having the sex on national tv (thats too risqué, even for HBO). The series seems to be doing a pretty good job so far, check it out if your'e over 18 and find yourself in need of something new to watch.

I could really use something new to watch RIGHT NOW, as I've got 5 1/2 more hours till my flight... oh, heres something cute and AWESOME