Drivin'

When I was a but a wee lad, I had a terrible habit of falling asleep in the car. Even on extremely short drives (less than 5 minutes) and after getting a full nine hours of sleep, I would nod off almost instantly once the car had started, without any kind of warning. I would only realize that I had slept because suddenly the car stopped.

This childhood habit is one of many that carried over into my semi-adulthood. Even more unfortunately... It doesn't seem to matter whether I am the driver, or passenger of the vehicle. This leads to situations like the following;

driving down a road - Ah, Look at the clouds. How pleasant they are.
right turn - Hmm what do I want for lunch...?
going straight - ...
looks up - umm why am I driving half on the curb?

One time while on the highway, I looked up only to realize that the side of my car was UNDERNEATH a semi truck, the driver of which was honking furiously and swearing out his window while being forced well off the side of the road.

I now pound energy drinks before, and during any extended journey, repeatedly bite my cheek, and pinch my inner-thigh to the point of bruising (side note: ouch) and deliberately DON'T use the restroom before I leave. It also helps to constantly cycle through radio stations, and sing at the top of my lungs with any and all songs I recognize.

About once a month I am obliged to travel to Colorado Springs to get my braces* tightened. This involves a 2 hour drive down the I25, fraught with peril and danger at every slow, gentle curve. On the most recent trip, A girl in a yellow civic was clinging to my bumper like it was a barrel going over Niagara Falls, clearly desiring that I change lanes. She passed me, then slowed down to 50 mph. I passed her. she got behind me, and road my ass like she was Jesus riding into Jerusalem. I changed lanes. You should be able to see where I am going with this. Rather than get annoyed by this process, I was thrilled that I had someone willingly entertaining me. It was disappointing when she eventually accelerated out of my sight, But since I saw her getting pulled over about 10 minutes later, all was well. I took a break from writing this to shave, and in my haste, put more gashes in my neck than there are anti-Obama demonstrators.

*Braces are wonderful things. Not only do they make me look 5 years younger, and impair the eating process, they force me to take my life into my hands on a monthly basis in order to maintain their painfulness.