Can't judge a book by... oh wait

Hearken to me, dear readers. Remember, if you will, the glory of ages past, long long ago in the before time.* This fabled, nay, mythic era of peace and bliss has become nothing more than a shadow of a dream, forgotten by all but the most stalwart and devout. Listen now to tales of yesteryear, listen to the anthem of hope and truth once sung by all, which slowly transformed into a dirge of lament.

What is this event that so rocked the foundations of the earth, Causing the very gods to tremble in terror, and every man, woman and child alike to weep in despair? Not war, plague or famine. They pale in comparison to the horrors we faced. Not the arrival of the Antichrist, no, nothing that tame. It is, of course, Facebook going F*@#ing mainstream.

*Anyone who can tell me this reference, I owe you a cookie, or piece of fried chipmunk, whatever I've got on hand at the time

I swear I'm done talking all epic-like. Really, I'm done. Forsooth.

When I first got on Facebook, about a month into my freshman year, I had just switched over from MySpace, and I remember explaining to my parents "Its not the same thing at all, its JUST for networking and making study groups and such". The site was sleek, functional and elegant. Any red-blooded American man would feel ten feet tall walking into a party with that hot piece of code on his arm, the jealous stares of his peers confirming what he already knew: Facebook was the shit.

flash forward 4 years: The hot, sexy site has taken up cocaine, and all that remains of its once vibrant beauty is a bloated, hollowed out husk, devoid of substance. Its myriad features are as plentiful and annoying as body hair. It walks, talks and behaves vaguely like its former self, However its constant sniffling is really getting on your nerves, and you can't help but wonder why its nose bleeds like a faucet every time there is so much as a gentle breeze. You've become too ashamed to even look at it, much less take it out in public with you, and you can't even remember what you saw in it in the first place.

You used to be able to confide your deepest thoughts and desires to it, but now it relays anything and everything you say to every person you know. Plus, it won't stop telling you THEIR secrets, even if you don't want to know them.

Ok, ok, sorry. I'll talk less, and say more. I have been trying to work a cocaine analogy into this thing for a while now, and if you don't answer when opportunity knocks, it will go to the next house and give them YOUR pizza for half price. If... opportunity is the domino's guy.

SO. Facebook brought in apps, I wasn't worried. "Its been so great, I'm sure it won't go all wrong!" Facebook started having ads that weren't related to college, I was unperturbed. "ok sure why not?" Facebook started letting highschoolers join. I was anxious "um... well... I guess they will be in college eventually right?" Facebook let ANYONE join. I was angry. "grr." Then they put in this "chat" thingy, and it went all to hell.

The thing is virtually useless. Half the time it doesn't even work, and when it DOES work, its buggier than that Pixar movie where the dude goes to the city to hire fighters to defend his hometown from the thugs that steal their grain every year, and then they build a giant bird out of sticks and... kay.

Whenever I receive a message, my entire computer freezes for a fraction of a second. If I am typing, the letters I hit are ignored. If I just clicked a link, the page will freeze. If I picked a new song on Itunes, it will stall. Sometimes, the "freeze" becomes permanent, and the only way to fix it is to close facebook and open a new window. I could be a website critic. This feature is bad.

P.S. - Margaritas have TWO drinks in them, not one. Just cause they are fruity does NOT mean they will not f*** you up.

P.P.S. - If you want to watch a horrible, but AWESOME movie, you can't do better/worse than "Black Christmas". Twisted. Ive seen some seriously depraved shit in my life (I had access to the internet when I was 13) But this movie... omg. Just... omg. I died a little inside. You want eyeballs, sorority girls, eyeballs and Christmas-themed eyeball death? Look no further. Also eyeballs.