The Epic Struggle

Sometimes, a man just doesn't know what he wants in life. What is best for the man, and what the man "thinks" he wants, are only vaguely similar things. Double cheeseburger and strawberry shake, or chicken sandwich? $700 banjo, or RENT for 2 months? Do homework, or watch LOST*? In case you couldn't tell, the man is me.

*I've noticed something odd while watching LOST... the women are always perfectly clean, and have skillfully applied makeup. How are they managing to find eye liner and lipstick on an island that barely even has food? Also... How are they keeping their armpits and legs shaved with NO RAZORS? I suppose this is one of those times I just have to accept the lack of realism. After all, Do I really WANT to see a woman with mud in her hair and a carpet on her legs? Realistic? Yes. In any way attractive? uhhh no. Thank you, artistic license.

So what influences my decision making? excellent question reader! I have exactly five motivators that determine everything I ever do. They are, in order of strength;

Laziness
Cowardice
Curiosity
Hunger
Horniness

Anything I do can be easily attributed to one of these forces. Why do I eat every day? I'm too lazy to let myself die (takes WAY too much work). Why do I do my homework? My dad gives me food in exchange for good grades. Why did I wait until I was nearly 21 to drink? That has... a different sort of answer. I'd like to think that it was due to a finely tuned "Moral Center", and my inner sense of justice... but this is simply not the case. In reality, I was scared shitless of trying something new. In fact, there are many, many things I have wanted to do, but simply been too terrified to attempt.

I am leaving college in about a year, give or take a semester. When this happens, I will have my pick of dozens of prestigious job opportunities, each paying me an exorbitant salary to travel to exotic places accompanied by gorgeous women. Also, I will be told that the summer I spent indoors unlocking every medal in Star Fox 64 was actually training to become The Last Starfighter, and that I am the last hope of defending the galaxy.

In any case, once this future becomes a reality, I will have lost my opportunity to do... many things. Hopefully I can become a bit more open minded, and get the balls to do what I want before its too late.