The Job Hunt

Some time ago, I went to my ultimate frisbee practice, and my fearless leader was trying to teach the team a defensive maneuver called a "force". I couldn't let a golden opportunity like this go to waste, so of COURSE every time someone caught the disk, I would shout "The force is with you, my son" and whenever they dropped it "You are weak in the ways of the force". Even the very FIRST time I did this, I don't think a single team-mate so much as chuckled, but I continued on for my own amusement for at least 45 minutes. It really speaks to the high caliber of my friends/teammates that no one tried to hit me in the throat, breaking my voice-box and preventing me from ever making such horrible "jokes" again. Really, speaks to their character.

It has come to my attention that I have about -infinity dollars. This means I need a job, ANY job, right away. I went to the CU job postings area, and sent in my resume to every single listing. Some of them made sense, like mail-room clerk or receptionist, but I ALSO applied for jobs like "Ballroom Instructor" * and "Girls Varsity Tennis Equipment Manager". I am not playing favorites here, my abilities be damned; if someone is going to pay me to teach ballroom dance, I'm teaching some god-damn ballroom dance.

*this is totally serious. I really did apply to be a Ballroom Dance Teacher, Yoga Instructor, JuJitsu Sensei... etc. Rec center stuff.

I got a few responses to my emails right away, most saying something like "Thank you for your interest in this position, but we can't give you money, just false hope in the form of emails from potential jobs". However, I did receive this gem as well (names have been altered to respect the privacy of involved parties).

The only position I have is posted on C.U. Connect, giving explicit
direction and instruction for applying. It is the first step in the
interview process. Successful candidates for an interview must be able to follow direction and instruction.
JANE JACKSON, Manager
Operator Services, I.T.S.

After hours of intensive scrutiny, I've managed to translate this message into the common tongue: "You fail at life you freaking moron, have a crappy day". Why even SEND this email? I'll admit, in my haste to apply at as many places as possible... I MAY not have fully read every single job posting. In fact, I may have read only the job titles. Meaning if there WERE some specific instructions... I didn't see them.

Anyway, I did get a person to offer me an interview next week, some kind of receptionist/clerical position on campus. Totally sweet. I'll rock the interview like a cashbox.

Authors Note: I just realized I can make things bold and italic!